Rumpology, the Art of Gluteal Divination
In the realm of foreseeing the future, where cards, palms, dreams, horoscopes, lightning, coffee grounds, and champagne bubbles have all played their roles, a distinctive method has taken center stage: Rumpology, or Bottom Reading. This pseudoscientific practice involves the meticulous examination of crevices, dimples, warts, moles, and folds in the buttocks, boldly asserting that the posterior anatomy can divulge more about an individual than conventional divination techniques.
Allegedly, the shape of the buttocks serves as a revealing canvas of a person’s characteristics, with the left and right buttocks acting as gateways to their past and future. Jackie Stallone, a prominent advocate for Rumpology, has claimed that the crack of the behind aligns with the division of the two hemispheres of the brain, tracing its roots back to ancient times. Stallone is credited with reviving interest in Rumpology in contemporary times.
Practitioners of Rumpology assert that this art can be performed through visual observation, tactile exploration, or the analysis of buttock prints. According to these enthusiasts, an apple-shaped, muscular bottom signifies a charismatic, dynamic, confident, and often creative individual who relishes life. Conversely, a pear-shaped bottom suggests someone possessing steadfastness, patience, and a grounded nature. A round bottom is believed to indicate an open, happy, and optimistic outlook on life. Conversely, a flat bottom is thought to be associated with a more vain, negative, and melancholic personality.